Thursday, March 10, 2011
Ok,so i'm irritated, or more like jealous i guess....it's different now that noah is in California....while he was in Chicago he never got his phase 2 liberty so he never really did anything..but now he can do whatever and he's somewhere warm and fun and i'm here, and it pisses me off. I feel like he is out having this seperate life,having these new adventures without me and it upsets me. I guess i'm upset because while i was on the phone with him,i heard his friend and his friend's wife talking and it just made me jealous,like why the hell can't i be there?and its like oh yeah you've got school,we aren't married yet..blah..blah..f*king blah............makes me mad.I'm TIRED of being alone...i hate it...and you know what else i'm tired of hearing??"get use to being alone because you'll be alone a lot"ok-i get that...but shut the hell up ok?i will NEVER be use to being alone when part of me is missing.It's like..get use to walking with only one leg-uhm yeah right.It gets tiring having to be the supportive fiancee,it's freakin hard.point blank just hard.I have no doubt that i'm strong enough to do this,that we will make it through it or anything like that..but sometimes i'm just pissed off...and ya know i deserve that..i deserve a day where i'm aggravated and emotionally tired and able to vent...and today is one of those days.Add on that my laptop has a virus and i'm having to pay $136 to have it fixed and the fact that i can barely move because my back is killing me and you have one pissed off girl.I mean i dont even know what it feels like to ride in our car together anymore..or sleep in our bed...or be with him for longer than 5 days....those days seem so far in the distant past and i feel like they are never ever going to come back-like nothing is ever gonig to be normal again-YES i know things ARE going to be normal again but right now it feels like forever away.Fuck,i'm tired of being alone.point blank.i miss him,bad and it makes me so damn mad.Anyway,i feel a little better now that i got to vent a little.