........hmm.

So right now i think i'm going through the hardest time i have ever had.Me and noah have done nothing but fight-and its mostly because of me.I know i've picked fights and complained a lot and so on and i've changed.Now i'm this worried,paranoid depressed person and that is NOT me...the REAL me is funny,always smiling and just happy.I've been battling my depression now for like 3 months and it's only gotten worse.I miss Noah so much and i just want to be with him.I feel like he says he understands what i'm going through..but really doesn't.Use to he would text me sweet things always and always call me and i always felt like he missed me but now its kind of not like that...i kind of feel left out and all i want is his attention,and i know he has so much stress on him and so much going on but i need him too.I just want the old me back,i dont know if he thinks i enjoy feeling like this...because i do not.I dont like being crazy and paranoid thinking he is going to cheat on me and stuff,that's just stupid because he's never gave me a reason to think he would ever do anything like that.I know i probably NEED to be put on something for my anxiety/depression but i really dont want that,i dont want to look for pills for my solution,i want to battle this on my own and overcome it.I just want him to understand how much i'm doing FOR HIM,to BE with him,i'm picking up and leaving everything i know just to marry him because i love him that much and want to spend my life with him.Leaving Soddy Daisy was never in my plans-i was totally content with staying here,graduating college and getting a job here-but to be with him i'd follow him anywhere....and thats the key word..follow....i just feel like he really doesnt sit down and think "wow,she loves me this much to follow me and go through this for me"..yes i may handle it like a freak at times because i was never prepared for how hard this is..i mean who CAN prepare for this?I mean you can tell yourself all day that yeah i know it's going to be hard..but saying it and actually living it are two completely different things.It hits you when you haven't seen the person in months...your tired of going to bed alone...your in a relationship with someone thats never there and it just wears you down at times.He doesn't understand that its a lot easier(not saying its EASY for him..but easier for him to deal with)..because this is HIS career,something HE chose for HIM..so of course he's going to deal with it better,because like the saying goes..you made your bed,now lay in it..i mean he really cant complain much because this is the career he chose.Not that i can complain because never once did he force me to make this decision to be with him and follow him-i made this decision on my own,there was never really another option for me,it was always being with him and doing whatever to do so.If we make it through this i believe there is nothing that will break us down,because this is the hardest thing i've EVER experienced,now to just get things back to the way they were....