I am now decarling Wednesdays "What i like Wednesdays",where i put what i'm currently obsessed with:)Enjoy!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
So I have changed the name of my blog and some other things..i'm totally obsessed with it!I'm still not satisfied though,so i'm sure it will change:)I changed the name of my blog because at first I started it as a way to let people know whats going on with my wedding...well now it's turning more into an "oulet"for myself,to vent or say anything i need to say.Along with my blog changes there are also changes in my life occuring right now,like i'm acutally not sure now that i will have the wedding i was planning to have,boo i know,but i'm just not sure that i can take the stress of worrying about money and when i can have it.I'd rather just have a small beach wedding in San Diego,but would also like to have my wedding at home with all my family and friends,so i'm torn.I wish i could just win the lottery!!I am starting to feel a lot better than i was ,thank the good Lord!I still have my moments during the day where i feel upset and stressed because i am going through a lot-besides just Noah being gone.I have my parents(long story),school,money,bills!!!Just everything is weighing down on me,but i'm glad i actually feel like i can actually breathe.Chemistry is literally kicking my butt,i'm NO good at it,but i'm sure i'd be better at it if i actually put some EFFORT into it!This semester i'm a TERRIBLE student-which is NOT me!I do not put as much effort into school like i usually do.I can actually say this has been the semester from hell,and i'm totally ready for it to be over!Just one more month THANK YOU LORD!!Now if i can just pass!!!But anyways enough of my bitching:)nighty night:)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
So right now i think i'm going through the hardest time i have ever had.Me and noah have done nothing but fight-and its mostly because of me.I know i've picked fights and complained a lot and so on and i've changed.Now i'm this worried,paranoid depressed person and that is NOT me...the REAL me is funny,always smiling and just happy.I've been battling my depression now for like 3 months and it's only gotten worse.I miss Noah so much and i just want to be with him.I feel like he says he understands what i'm going through..but really doesn't.Use to he would text me sweet things always and always call me and i always felt like he missed me but now its kind of not like that...i kind of feel left out and all i want is his attention,and i know he has so much stress on him and so much going on but i need him too.I just want the old me back,i dont know if he thinks i enjoy feeling like this...because i do not.I dont like being crazy and paranoid thinking he is going to cheat on me and stuff,that's just stupid because he's never gave me a reason to think he would ever do anything like that.I know i probably NEED to be put on something for my anxiety/depression but i really dont want that,i dont want to look for pills for my solution,i want to battle this on my own and overcome it.I just want him to understand how much i'm doing FOR HIM,to BE with him,i'm picking up and leaving everything i know just to marry him because i love him that much and want to spend my life with him.Leaving Soddy Daisy was never in my plans-i was totally content with staying here,graduating college and getting a job here-but to be with him i'd follow him anywhere....and thats the key word..follow....i just feel like he really doesnt sit down and think "wow,she loves me this much to follow me and go through this for me"..yes i may handle it like a freak at times because i was never prepared for how hard this is..i mean who CAN prepare for this?I mean you can tell yourself all day that yeah i know it's going to be hard..but saying it and actually living it are two completely different things.It hits you when you haven't seen the person in months...your tired of going to bed alone...your in a relationship with someone thats never there and it just wears you down at times.He doesn't understand that its a lot easier(not saying its EASY for him..but easier for him to deal with)..because this is HIS career,something HE chose for HIM..so of course he's going to deal with it better,because like the saying goes..you made your bed,now lay in it..i mean he really cant complain much because this is the career he chose.Not that i can complain because never once did he force me to make this decision to be with him and follow him-i made this decision on my own,there was never really another option for me,it was always being with him and doing whatever to do so.If we make it through this i believe there is nothing that will break us down,because this is the hardest thing i've EVER experienced,now to just get things back to the way they were....
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Ok,so i'm irritated, or more like jealous i guess....it's different now that noah is in California....while he was in Chicago he never got his phase 2 liberty so he never really did anything..but now he can do whatever and he's somewhere warm and fun and i'm here, and it pisses me off. I feel like he is out having this seperate life,having these new adventures without me and it upsets me. I guess i'm upset because while i was on the phone with him,i heard his friend and his friend's wife talking and it just made me jealous,like why the hell can't i be there?and its like oh yeah you've got school,we aren't married yet..blah..blah..f*king blah............makes me mad.I'm TIRED of being alone...i hate it...and you know what else i'm tired of hearing??"get use to being alone because you'll be alone a lot"ok-i get that...but shut the hell up ok?i will NEVER be use to being alone when part of me is missing.It's like..get use to walking with only one leg-uhm yeah right.It gets tiring having to be the supportive fiancee,it's freakin hard.point blank just hard.I have no doubt that i'm strong enough to do this,that we will make it through it or anything like that..but sometimes i'm just pissed off...and ya know i deserve that..i deserve a day where i'm aggravated and emotionally tired and able to vent...and today is one of those days.Add on that my laptop has a virus and i'm having to pay $136 to have it fixed and the fact that i can barely move because my back is killing me and you have one pissed off girl.I mean i dont even know what it feels like to ride in our car together anymore..or sleep in our bed...or be with him for longer than 5 days....those days seem so far in the distant past and i feel like they are never ever going to come back-like nothing is ever gonig to be normal again-YES i know things ARE going to be normal again but right now it feels like forever away.Fuck,i'm tired of being alone.point blank.i miss him,bad and it makes me so damn mad.Anyway,i feel a little better now that i got to vent a little.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Right now Noah is at the airport waiting to board his flight to Cali,and i must say i'm pretty excited!Not only am i excited about getting to visit him and explore Cali together but i'm excited that we will be abl to find out just when he can come home to have this wedding!!I can't believe we are FINALLY at this point,it's already been such a long journey for us since he left for bootcamp,and i'm so glad that we are getting close to being married and ACTUALLY BEING TOGETHER!Oh that sounds amazing!!!The thought of waking up next to him at OUR home,in OUR bed makes me ecstatic!All the waiting and hard times are definately worth having him as my husband!I'm so excited for all the adventures that are ahead of us as husband and wife!New places,making new friends,me graduating college,and of course one day having a child.It's amazing how much things have changed in a year(for the better)!This experience has been a tough one but i know we will make it through with no problem because we have a love that is unlike any other.I fell in love with my best friend that i enjoy doing absolutely everything with!Anyway,on another note..I HAVE GOT TO LOSE WEIGHT!15 lbs.is what i'm going for and i HAVE to..no really..i do..because i have to fit in my wedding dress:)i ordered it a size smaller for motivation to get my booty off the couch and work out!I have been doing great-until my bday where i got 2 birthday cakes and at this time i'm craving sweets like crazy and am lazy !I'm getting back in the gym this week-i only missed a week so its not that bad:)
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tomorrow Noah leaves for San Diego and we are both very nervous.Right now I have to wait to find out when i can actually have this wedding. Hopefully he won't be put on hold for a long time and can start school immediately. Right now i have absolutely no clue when the wedding will actually be..end of May?June?July?or even August.This is very aggravating.I have everything picked out-except centerpieces-so now i just have to wait until i know an exact date so i can start putting deposits on everything.On the other hand i am extremely excited to visit California and go to the beach with Noah,we've never been to the beach together!I'm so excited for our newest adventure to start and hope everything works out great!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
So i'm new to the blog world and i'm not sure how to do some of the stuff,like my header is definately not right...?With time comes knowledge..anyway,the reason for starting this blog is to let family and friends follow my progress in planning my wedding,to get all the details,see pictures,etc.I'm very busy with school and work and every chance i get to talk to Noah,i do,so i tend to not call people,forget to call back,text back etc.so this is a great way for everyone to keep up with us-being we are just that interesting...not!lol..but for those who want to be nosey..here ya go:)Today i went to look at the Lindsey Street Hall to have the wedding,and it is absolutely beautiful!!I'm really torn on where to have the wedding??hmm.decisions decisions....I do know that the only flower that i want is roses-roses everywhere!!I absolutely love roses!My colors are Red,Black,and White..and food is still pending..there will definately be beer and sangria at my wedding-if you know me then you KNOW i'm going to have a good time:)